Andrew Ducker (andrewducker) wrote,
Andrew Ducker
andrewducker

The funniest take I have read on The Hobbit

It used to be, back in the dawn days of The Internets that, whenever an awesome movie came out, there would be piss-take scripts all over the place. Sadly, those days are largely long gone now, because of the recession.

However, zenicurean has come to the rescue in the case of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and made me giggle a _lot_.

Here's a couple of excerpts:
1) Gandalf tells Galadriel why he brought Bilbo along:

Galadriel of L'Oréal: One more thing, Mithrandir. Why the halfling?

Gandalf: I don't know. Saruman believes that only great power can hold evil in check. But that is not what I've found. I've found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk, that keep the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love. Why Arthur Dent Baggins? Perhaps it is because I am afraid, and he gives me courage.

Galadriel of L'Oréal: Hang on a second. You've pressured a helpless, defenceless hobbit into following you on what is almost certainly a suicide quest, forcing him to endure crippling self-doubt and the undisguised disdain of his companions along the way, because you theorised it might make you feel better. Wow. That is... that is possibly the most callous thing you've done all week. Why do people keep putting you in charge of these things?

Gandalf: Oh, stuff it, Queen Bessie. It's my preposterous quest, and can have as many hobbits as I like. You know what? Next time around I'll bring three or four, just to troll you and Saruman. Then we'll see who's "callous!" Now if you'll excuse me, I have to catch up with my army of dragon-slaying dwarves before they get captured by some trivial secondary villain again.

Galadriel of L'Oréal: Ugh. Alright, sheesh. Have your quest. It's probably not such a bad idea, anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone, Grey Wanderer. If you should ever need my help, I shall come.

Gandalf: Oh. Why, that's very nice of you.

Galadriel of L'Oréal: Unless, of course, you have to fight an entire underground city of goblins, or are dangling off a giant cliff, menaced by orcs. If any of that happens, then no, you're hosed.


2) Riddles in the Dark:

Arthur Dent Baggins: I can see this is going to go just swimmingly. Ahem. Avast, cave goth, I hereby challenge you into a random game of riddles in concordance with the Holy Tradition of All Children's Stories Fucking Ever. If I win, you must lead me out of here. By the power of the Brothers Grimm do I so compel thee, small evil creature.

Gollum: Awww, we don't wants any of this time-wasting Rumpelstiltskin tosh, no! We wants to eats the Bagginses already. But traditions is traditions. Ask us a riddle, then.

Arthur Dent Baggins: Err. Ahem. What do I have in my pocket?

Gollum: Hsss! It does not play fair. Riddleses is game of presenting puzzle through metaphorical language. Bagginses' formulation offers sssimple question instead, repudiating implicit structure of game by denying usss reasonable intellectual avenue to solution! Gollum! Gollum! We eats it now, Precious! We gnaws its flesh to the bone!

Arthur Dent Baggins: ... I'm somewhat willing to admit I should've seen this coming.

Arthur Dent Baggins flees for his life into the CAVERN PASSAGE, pursued by an angry Gollum.


Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

And all originally brought to my attention by the ever-lovely f4f3, to whom I am eternally grateful.



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