Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."
Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."
Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."