February 27th, 2004

Illuminati

(no subject)

The Friday Thing is a wonderful weekly newsletter taking the piss out of the news.  It's written by a variety of london based journalists venting the frustrations that they can't vent in the regular newspapers.  As well as pointing out the stupidities of various politicians and media types in delightfully acerbic language, they occasionally focus on various current events, as in this excerpt:

THE TFT GUIDE TO... WHO KILLED CHRIST?
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Mel Gibson's new S&M film The Passion has attracted criticism for stirring up anti-Semitic feelings by blaming the Jews for the death of Christ. So who really did kill Christ?

...

1) The Romans, despite the best efforts of Asterix and Obelix to drink a strength potion, beat hundreds of legionaries into unconsciousness in amusing ways, rescue Jesus and take him back to Gaul for a slap-up feast of wild boar.

2) The chief priests and scribes of Jerusalem, because they were worried that Jesus was becoming too popular, and was always in the football team, and had the best trainers.

3) Christ was just doing a spot of carpentry when he fell awkwardly and accidentally nailed himself to the cross. (Thanks to regular reader I. Huntley of HM Broadmoor Prison for that
explanation.)

4) According to conspiracy theorists, Christ could not have been killed by just one spear wound to the side, and amateur film footage of the time clearly shows a second Roman with a spear by the grassy knoll, but there was a systematic cover-up that went right up to the Emperor of Rome, who was part of a secretive homosexual cabal of Jewish reactionaries and Pharisees and [continues indefinitely in same vein].

5) Shocking new evidence suggests that God had planned Christ's death all along.