January 5th, 2004


(no subject)

Wokr up at 4am with hot sweats. Sore throat has become worse. I thought I was getting _better_ yesterday.

I hate calling in sick, but I've just done so.

Back to bed.

I hate being ill

I have no attention span. I ache whenever I cough, which seems to be _more_ often than yesterday. I was getting better, goddamit!

I'm off to dose myself up with anything useful I can find in the bathroom...


My girlfriend has changed plans so that rather than picking me up and driving me over to her place so that I could feel ill there, she's going to slave away over legal reviews instead.

I shall now be forced to spend the evening with West Wing and Pikmin instead.

Woe is me.


(no subject)

Wow. Just wow.

Fantastic piece on how much of reality is defined by concensus.

I'm just boggled by this.

I'm not 100% sure I believe it, but it wouldn't entirely surprise me.

I can't quote it without spoiling it, just go read it.

Devotion to Duty

Wearing two jumpers _and_ sitting under a duvet makes me tolerably warm.
And yet I still feel guilty for not going into work today.

I'm currently contemplating phoning in at 8am tomorrow and chatting to my manager - saying "I feel really awful, but if you need me I'll come in."

Which is just bloody stupid - they _don't_ need me (I'm handy to have about the place, but I'm not vital) and I'd just be postponing my recovery and spreading disease. But I still feel guilty enough about not going in to want to do it. Which means getting up at 8am to phone the office, which is pretty stupid when I feel ill. And yes, thinking in circles is making my head spin more.

Where did this devotion to work come from? I never used to care about working when I was ill, but now I find myself wanting to go in and make a good impression. Very odd.

Can't sleep, clowns will eat me

Well, actually, can't sleep, slept in until midday and haven't moved more than 50 feet all day.

So, I've been chatting to green_amber about depression and direction and life. And I'd been chatting to Sana earlier about the same thing. And eventually something managed to click, even in my disease-fogged brain:

At some point in our lives we stop drifting onwards in a perpetual daze and ask "Where am I going?" Some people first do that between 30 and 50, at which point it's probably a mid-life crisis. Some people do it at 70, at which point it's a second lease of life, and some people do it at 16, at which point it's a bit bloody annoying because it can derail the nice simple bits you're _supposed_ to drift through.

Sana, for instance, did it during her first year at uni, suddenly realising that the degree she'd been 'going to do' for so long wasn't actually what she wanted at all. I did it just a little later than that, wondering why I'd done a degree. Erin's doing it now, trying to find an answer that'll make it all worthwhile.

When I said to Lilian that Sana wanted to find the _right thing_ before going back to Uni, she laughed at me (or would have done, if we hadn't been on MSN at the time) and said:

Uni is not a straight path to what you do.
It's barely the start.
Is she any more likely to find out what she wants to do in a crap job in Edinburgh?

Which reminded me of something that guyinahat once said - you don't need to necessarily be moving in the 'right' direction, so long as you keep moving from time to time. If you keep trying new things eventually you'll find one you want to do. I was lucky, I found mine back in 1982 when my parents bought a BBC model B Microcomputer. but it wasn't a plan, it was just plain dumb luck that I found something I loved, it brought me into an industry that happened to be something that pays fairly well and that I happened to be good at it.

Somewhere out there is something you want to do. You can sit there for ever, trying to work it out and never be sure what that thing is. Or you can get out there and try things until you find it.

In the meantime - when did you first ask the question "Where am I going?"

Ack, phut

Going to bed now, to try and force myself into sleep in the vain hope that the alternating phases of heat and cold will have gone away by 8am tomorrow.

In the meantime, this is a friend of mine: trashcanglam. He's very rude.