Once, I believed that when I was an adult I'd have the answers. It seemed perfectly reasonable, after all adults definitely had the answers - my parents were never at a loss for answers to my questions, my teachers were the ones with all the facts, presumably when I was older I'd somehow become an adult (although, thinking about it I never really imagined becoming an actual adult).
I can't remember when I realised that I was never going to become an 'adult' (that is, what I held in my mind as an adult, a knowledgable, reasonable, mature person) and that the vast majority of the actual adults in existence were nothing like this image. Amusingly, it was surprisingly recent. I remember a change from feeling like I was a constant student, struggling towards something, to a sudden loss of interest in the many teachings I saw around me. Suddenly these teachers weren't on a higher level, offering advice to me to bring me up to their more-sacred level, they were just people with a few insights, spreading them around. These people weren't any better than me, and an awful lot of them didn't even measure up to me in many ways.
To cheat horrifically and use lyrics, I went from:If there's somebody up there, could they throw me down a line
Just a little helping hand, just a little understanding
Just some answers to the questions that surround me now
"No more heroes anymore"
Which isn't, to be sure, to imply like I feel I know everything, or that I have all the answers, but more an admission that nobody has all the answers.
At which point it becomes obvious to me that I'm talking about the limits of knowledge again. Wich I've done on several occasions in the past, so I'll switch tracks and go back to my original sentence and try again:
Once, I believed that when I was an adult I'd have the answers. Kirsty
has frequently said that she was never like this, that as far back as she can remember she was very aware of the hypocrisy and fallibility around her. Which largely makes me glad that I had/have parents that were atheists, reasonable and fairly adult. Who may have argued from time to time, but insofar as I can tell were the most reasonable parents of anyone I know. No, they weren't perfect, but if I was to someday be a parent (and I hope not to be), I'd feel extremely good about myself if I could do as good a job as they did. Similarly, although many of my teachers weren't great, they were certainly at the least dedicated and competent, with some fantastic ones. If this led me to naivety about the quality of adults and the very state of adulthood itself, then I'm happy to put up with that side-effect.