Andrew Ducker (andrewducker) wrote,
Andrew Ducker
andrewducker

I haven't written fiction in years

Context
Over on Facebook, I posted an update saying "Achievement Unlocked: Write an Angular Directive.", because I finally had an opportunity to do so for a side-project at work. And, of course, that made no sense to most of my friends.

And then Ed replied that he'd thought I said "Angular Detective", and that therefore I was talking about Sherlock Holmes. And then he challenged me to write 500 words of Sherlock Holmes fanfic.

So I did.


"It's a mystery," said Watson.

"When you say 'Mystery'," replied Holmes, "are you referring to the kind of event involving spies, murders, missing jewels, large dogs, and the overuse of the phrase 'I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for...'"

"No!" snapped Watson, interrupting before Holmes sarcasm could entirely overcome him. "I am 'referring' to the fact that despite being forced to use the blasted contraptions on a regular basis, I have no idea how computers work, and no idea why this one has stopped working."

"No idea at all?" asked Holmes, a grin spreading over his face. "You mean to say you have no idea what could possibly have caused it to go wrong? Not even an inkling?"

Watson spluttered at him. "Of course not. I'm not a computer person. And there's no need for you to look so happy about it - it's not like you're some kind of computer genius yourself."

"Aaaah," his friend replied, "but I don't need to be. It's entirely obvious why it's ceased to function."

"But! But! It can't be! You may be good at deducing from human motives and the stray clues that criminals leave behind, but even you can't deduce the internal workings of a device when you know nothing of the workings of its internals."

"Can't I? Starting from the top, I know the machine isn't _entirely_ broken, because I saw you typing away at it just now in a clearly futile attempt to make it work. So it's not a mechanical problem. And I know that once we rule out hardware problems, the biggest cause of computers going wrong is the contraction of a virus."

"And, of course, I can tell from your slowly reddening face that I'm on the right track. Because I also know that the main method that criminal types use for getting a virus onto someone's computer is to lure them in with some kind of dodgy material - something of an embarassing nature that would explain the shade of beetroot you have now turned."

"And, in fact, from the exact shade of purple you have now become, I can tell that you've been spending time on the forums containing what is commonly referred to as 'Real Person Slash'"

"But..But...But!!!"

"And," Holmes' voice purred, "by your stuttering objections, it's clear that you've been reading what I believe is referred to as Johnlock."

"Holmes!" Watson shouted, as he finally managed to get a word out. "That's preposterous! There's no way you can have deduced all of that _nonsense_ from a shade of red and some frantic typing!"

"Probably not," the detective grinned, "As you say, it does sound a little unlikely, particularly considering my lack of skills with a computer. But on the other hand, I know exactly how accurate it is, because I deduced your password two weeks ago..."



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